Something Was Wrong
Episode Title: Be a man
Episode Summary:
Jamie Taylor was a well-respected man with a good job and high salary.
He was also the victim of intimate partner violence at hands of his abusive wife.
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Despite high rates of abuse, men are often ignored as victims of domestic abuse. Why?
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In this episode, I'll be exploring intimate partner violence against men through telling a survivor's story, explaining the effects of intimate partner violence, and considering what factors make leaving difficult for victims of domestic violence.
Topics discussed in this episode:
- What unconscious stereotypes do we hold about men being victims of abuse?
- What are the effects of intimate partner violence?
- What barriers do victims of intimate partner violence face when trying to leave their abuser?
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Transcript
This podcast contains sensitive topics that may be triggering for some. This episode will discuss topics such as physical violence, emotional abuse, stalking, and manipulation. If you, or a loved one is struggling, please call 1.800.799.SAFE or visit thehotline.org.
When I say the word abuse, what image comes into mind? Maybe a naïve teenage girl who is sexually abused by her older boyfriend? Perhaps the helpless wife who is battered by her alcoholic husband, trying to be brave and carry on for her children?
Women are more likely to experience some form of abuse in their lifetimes. In the past few decades, conversations about abuse have come to light with the powerful efforts of the #MeToo movement. This movement has empowered thousands of women to come forward and share their stories as survivors. Yet, millions of victim’s stories still go unheard, untold, and unshared.
So, when we think about abuse, why do we immediately dismiss men as potential victims of abuse at the hands of their partners?
Jamie Taylor seemed to have it all going for him. In May 2009, he married his girlfriend of 3 years, Emily. Emily and Jamie had met at university, and everyone thought they were the perfect couple. They were both excited to start this new chapter of both of their lives together. And things only were looking up from there. Soon, Jamie received the promotion that he had worked so hard for years. After arriving home that night, Jamie excitedly told Emily about his promotion. Much to his confusion, Emily was resentful, not excited. Jamie could only guess she felt insecure about their relationship, since he had to increase the number of hours he was working.
After a few hostile weeks, Jamie came home from work early to cook a romantic dinner for Emily. Over dinner, Emily pressured Jamie to quit his job, instead taking a smaller job with a significant pay cut. Jamie refused. After all, Emily knew how much he enjoyed his job and how hard he had worked to be promoted. Emily was upset. She insisted, again, that Jamie must quit his job, to save their relationship. Again, Jamie refused. Then Emily hit him.
Unfortunately, Jamie’s experience is not uncommon. The CDC estimates that 1 in 10 men in the U.S. experienced some form of intimate partner violence. Intimate partner violence is defined as physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, psychological aggression, and control of reproductive or sexual health by a current or former intimate partner.
Male victims of intimate partner violence commonly reported feeling fear, concern for their safety, and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, among others.
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“So why could Jamie not just leave?”
It’s a common question that most people ask victims of domestic violence. For many men, there are many barriers to leaving abusive partners.
Many male victims find it hard to leave abusive spouses because they feel fear that they might lose custody of children. Victims may fear their abuser’s actions will become more violent if they attempt to leave. Victims may lack the means to support themselves, or their abuser control their access to cash and bank accounts.
Gender is a complicating factor for how male victims of intimate partner violence are treated, compared to female victims. Often, harmful stereotypes alone shame male victims into silence when they are being abused. Even worse when male victims do come to police to report the abuse, their abuse is minimized, with police siding with the abuser, or dissuading the victim to press charges.
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Emily’s abuse towards Jamie only escalated. After months of physical violence, Jamie finally told Emily he did not love her anymore because she was so violent towards him. This confession sent Emily into a rage where she attacked Jamie. Finally, she stopped and erratically drove away.
That night, Jamie left Emily and never spoke to her again.
Even after the end of the relationship, Emily continued in her efforts to manipulate and abuse Jamie. Emily convinced Jamie’s family and friends that Jamie was the one who was in the wrong, even going as far to try to get him fired from his job.
In the end, Jamie looks back on his decision to leave as the best move he ever made. Jamie stayed at his job and continued to be promoted. Jamie also met Grace, a kindergartner teacher, who he fell in love with and married. They have been happily married for 6 years and have a daughter, Elizabeth.
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Sadly, Jamie’s ending is not so common. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that on average, it can take 7 attempts before a victim permanently leaves their abuser.
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We need to change the way we think about male victims of domestic violence. So how can we stop intimate partner violence before it starts? First, understand the factors that put people at risk. Know the signs of intimate partner violence and if you see something say something.
This episode of something was wrong was written and produced by me, Morgan Lane. You can subscribe to something was wrong on Anchor and follow me on social media at @morganelizlane. Show notes and sources can be found on morgan4media.wixsite/podcast.
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